Bocephus

Today, my thoughts are consumed with my brother Bocephus. I am filled with both anger and sadness at him. Most already know that he went missing in January while on his way back to his station in New York. During the few days that he was missing, he had considered committing suicide. On our side of things, we were trying to obtain access to his bak account, made a police report, was on the phone off and on with the Army. It was extremely scary and one of the hardest things that I think I have ever gone through. He ended up returning to Minnesota and we had to then get him to New York.

Once he returned to New York, they started him on anti-depressants and therapy, all while he still had to complete training and classes. During a training excercise he 'lost' it and ended up in the mental health center of the hospital. The Army declared that he was a danger to himself and others, which then made him ineligble to carry a weapon. Kind of hard to do your job in the Army with no weapon- so he continued therapy and they increased his medication.

Off and on since then, Bo and I have had many big and little conversations through Facebook chat. I haven't spoken to him in a while though. So this all leads me to today. Today I get a text message from him that reads "Would he die for me?" It turns out others received this text message as well since shortly following that text, I have a message from mom who is concerned about him. I did not call her back right away as I wasn't feeling well and laid back down. The next time I look at my phone, I have missed calls from Bo, mom and Bo's biological dad. The message from Bo was just music- which sounded like it was him playing and singing. It went on until the phone cut him off. It was so loud that I couldn't understand that song at all. The next message was Bo's dad asking me to call him and then message from mom wanting a call as well. I tried calling mom, but it was already midnight in MN- so I sent her a text message instead. I called Bo's dad, not caring what time it was, and spoke with him briefly. He was unable to get ahold of Bo but received the same messages as the rest of us. He even said that he answered when Bo called and it was still just the music.

So why am I sad and mad?? I am sad because I know that Bocephus is a tortured soul. I understand that he has severe depression and I understand that he is hurting. When you love someone as much as I love him, I hurt when he is hurting. This means I have been sad and hurting for him for a few months now. He promised me that he would not harm himself as he knows this would destroy many people. He told me not to worry about that anymore. I am mad because I have a lot going on in my own life that I can no longer handle this game or whatever he is doing. I really need to work on me and my life, so I can't keep handling everything that is going on with him. I have always been the one to worry about him, to defend him, to make the calls on his behalf- and I just can not do it anymore. He refuses to talk to anyone here at home, so what am I suppose to do. I did leave him a message that he better start using his phone to talk to someone before he no longer has a phone. I still pay his phone bill and he does not give me money or put anything towards this bill. At some point in his life, he is going to need to grow up and be a man. I honestly thought that he had when I watched him graduate from the Army, but I am starting to doubt that with the recent activities of his life. He told me he was no longer drinking, but if he is, then maybe our next step is to have him committed. Who knows?? But I know something needs to happen, because I can't keep letting his problems affect my life to the extent it always has.