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HOME

They say that there is nothing like HOME and I am HOME in Minneapolis as most of you know already. Things just didn't work out in Las Vegas the way that I had hoped. There are things that I would never trade a thing for though. I was able to reconnect with my brothers Michael and Joshua and they couldn't make me any prouder. I am super excited to see what their futures hold and look forward to a continued relationship with them. Another thing that I wouldn't trade is the time I spent with my dad. We had our ups and downs, but like everyone says, we are both stubborn as hell. I am glad I got to know him a little bit better. I learned things about him and saw things in him that I never knew.

So now that I am HOME, now what?

First things first, I need a job. I guess I mis-understood what Tubman told me prior to coming back to Minnesota. I have applied for two different positions through Tubman, but am now in the waiting game. I have also looked into a few other positions, both within social services and other fields.

I kind of came home to a guy. This guy came to Vegas for vacation and we hung out one of the nights that he was there. I had an amazing time with him and we both had sad times after he left. He said to me one night - "How can someone pass up something that could potentially be good?" and so far things with us are good. We seem to 'fit' together well and some of his friends have even said that they really want things to work out between us because they think that we both deserve happiness and can see that we make each other happy.

Angie and I are on the hunt for a place to live. She was suppose to move to Vegas eventually but things got in the way, such as shattering her ankle. It's hard to commit to a place though, with me having no income coming in yet. We have found some promising leads, and once I start working we will be able to move forward and move out of our parent's homes.

I am hoping to get back into writing more so you should be able to see updates a little more often than what happened this summer.

“Spoon Theory”- aka Life with a Chronic Illness

I came across this article on another woman's blog. She also has Fibro and this article could not describe the feelings better. A person who has not personally experienced a chronic illness will never truly understand.

by Christine Miserandino www.butyoudontlooksick.com

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.


At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.


Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.


I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous.

So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.


We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.


I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.


After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.

The Good, The Bad and The Upcoming (Part 2)

There is so much to update you on that I will need to do this in different parts. Plus I would be writing for hours if I did everything right now. I'll write one more right now and then will continue either later today or tomorrow.

So what's upcoming?? Alot, but I'll keep on the employment issue right now. Once I decided that I was done with The Shade Tree- I started looking for some new jobs. I already knew that I would never find a job making what I was making at Tubman (I was there for close to 7 years)- so I first figured out the lowest I could survive comfortably on. I also made it a point to not apply for jobs within social services, except for one amazing agency that I learned about at a meeting.

Las Vegas has tons of employment search type websites, which makes sense considering the type of town it is. One thing that I realized is a lot of jobs, all serving jobs, need to have the cards I wrote about previously. I still have not obtained these cards. I know that at least for one of the cards, you need to have a letter of intent to hire before you can obtain the card. I looked at alot of postings on Craigslist as well for jobs. There are at least 10 new postings in the employment section on there every MINUTE. So I would copy and paste ones that were interesting to me, mostly those having to do with Administrative or Data stuff.

One job that caught my eye....which I'll explain more in a minute...was for either a clerk or hostess at a new Gentleman's Club. For this position, you had to apply in person either on Monday or Tuesday...so after leaving The Shade Tree I headed there to apply. While I was sitting in the club filling out the applications, the owners/managers or whoever they were starting walking around asking all of us which position we were applying for. Every table said dancer.....so they all chatted and all of a sudden I was the only one in the club now. So when I handed the my application, my answer was anything except dancer. I can face the fact that I don't have a dancer/stripper body.....but I could seriously never do that anyways. I interviewed on the spot for cashier, but I am unsure when they are opening or when they are getting back to people.

Now, to explain....In MN, I would never have considered working in a strip club no matter the position. I truly believe that most of the clubs in MN exploit women....so why would I consider it here. There is no way to explain the difference except to say it's different here. There are counties in NV where prostitution is legal. Those I have met out here that work in strip clubs, truly enjoy what they do. It's not the stories of I need to do this for the money to survive like I would hear in MN. So here in NV, I would work in such a club under one condition.....I HAVE TO BE WEARING CLOTHES AT ALL TIMES.

Once I arrived home, I was going through emails and came across one regarding an application I submitted to the Rivieria Hotel and Casino. I almost didn't open it since most of these emails have been the "Sorry, we hired someone else...." type letters. I,in the end, did open the email and was surprised to see that the Rivieria wants to interview me for the Risk Management Coordinator position before the week is over. This position is mainly dealing with data entry and data analysis for the security department. Those who really knew my work at Tubman, would know that this is right up my alley. Since receiving the email, I have been playing phone tag with them. I plan on calling them in a few hours after she is in the office to get this interview set up.

I think that's about it for this morning. Writing seemed to be pretty therapeutic to me this morning as I now think I might be able to sleep.

(Other parts to include boys, clubs, my Kentucky friend and more......)

The Good, The Bad and The Upcoming (Part 1)

When I was talking to mom the other day, she mentioned that alot of people, especially family members have been asking about me because they noticed I have not written anything in a long time. So first off, let me tell you all, I am very sleep deprived due to Fibromyalgia today but with all the other stuff that is going on.....the stress could have brought it all on. So where to I begin since it has been almost a month since I last wrote. Bear with me as this may be very scattered, but as the title suggests.....there is some good, bad and upcoming things.

The Shade Tree
Anyone who has read my blog knows how excited I was to have gained employment at The Shade Tree. My official first day was April 12 (I think). I was terminated (yes, I have now been fired for the first time) on June 1- yesterday. I was learning through my employment at The Shade Tree that things are very different outside of the Tubman world. Sometimes you don't realize the stuff around you until you're in a similar situation elsewhere. I was working as a Victim Advocate, essentially a case manager for the women at the shelter who were victims of violence....whether it be street violence, gang violence or domestic violence. I would assist with intakes for those coming into the shelter, but mostly did intakes with victims of violence. I facilitated the Healing Support Group- which was getting rave reviews. My group grew from 16 the first time to almost 40 the last time I facilitated it. Because the group was for more than just our victims of violence, I had to be sure not to make it a Domestic Violence Group. We did alot of meditation, learning how to self-soothe, discussing self-care and such. I also completed Victims of Violence Assessments, which went through their current situation all the way back to whether their parents had been abused. One the assessments was done, a case manager was assigned, and those assigned to me then completed a case plan. From there on, I met with them at least once a week to assist in the completion or updating of their case plan.

I realized a lot of things from my short time with this agency. I learned mostly that Tubman truly is a pioneer in the field. I was with Tubman while some of the changes were occurring to make it more client focused. I was working with a woman who was severely traumatized by some abusive actions towards her. Normally a VV Assessment HAD to be done within their first 24 hours in the shelter. I met with this woman multiple times within her first week, but was unable to complete the assessment because she was not emotionally ready. There was even one day she said she was ready, but I told her that I didn't think it would be beneficial to do it at 9pm at night considering she may end up needing support long after my shift was over. We worked through her emotions and got to the point where she was ready- but the whole time I was being asked why this wasn't done- and my answer of she's not emotionally in a place to complete this did not seem acceptable. There were a few different instances of this kind of questioning happened when it came to the way I was working with people. I was normally asked Why I did something, instead of being told, we do it this way or here is some feedback.

I then got written up- which was twofold. One part was that I called in sick and was REALLY ill, but I didn't do it within the time frame the manager liked. I tried calling her but couldn't get a hold of her, so I called a different manager and then left mine a message. I was okay with this part of the write up, because yes I should have left the message earlier. But then as I am reading through the write up, I was also written up for 'Consistently breaking the dress code.' The only times a dress code was brought up was during orientation/first week of training. No one ever approached me to say that what I was wearing was outside of our restrictions, so I was unaware. I made a point to always take notice of what other people were wearing so that I was wearing something similar. I signed the write up initially, but then went back to my manager and told her I didn't agree with the dress code part. We ended up having a meeting with her manager present and everything I was feeling ended up coming out. I was pissed about the dress code thing because when I asked when or how I broke the dress code they were unable to provide me an answer. I explained that if someone would have ever said anything to me, I would have corrected it and made sure not to wear such an item again. (I eventually found out how I broke the dress code when I asked HR about it and explained that I was upset that no one could provide me an answer. Once she told me, I had an Ok moment and thanked her.) During this meeting, I told them that I felt like I was being set up to fail. That I was being criticized instead of being given feedback and that this wasn't working for the communication style I had. We eventually worked through some of this and were able to come to a happy medium with our different communication styles.

How did I get terminated though you ask? I woke up on a Tuesday (first day of work week for me) and had a backache. By that evening, every movement made me cry and my back was burning. I went to Urgent Care and saw an amazing doctor who was able to tell that the tissue around my spine was inflamed causing all this pain. She gave me note to be out of work through that Friday. She verbally told me that if I felt good enough to work, then to go ahead. Well I didn't listen to her at all, and went back to work the next day. I was talking with a co-worker about insurance and health care stuff in Vegas and how it is different and I believe I may have mentioned something about the note from doctor. Well when I was walking back into the building, I slipped on a banana peel (SERIOUSLY I AM NOT KIDDING) and fell. They immediately made me fill our accident report and was giving me directions to see doctor that day (which includes a drug test for any injuries occurring at work). The note got brought up and I kept assuring them that my back hurting was from something else and that I was unable to take the medication prescribed while I was at work.

Well, I got quite the earful regarding being at work when I had this note. I tried explaining that since I didn't receive benefits, I could not afford to miss almost a week of work. Didn't matter, I was told not to come back until Saturday. On Friday, I received a message from HR saying not to come in on Saturday as we needed to have a meeting but that I would be paid for Saturday. I immediately knew I was going to be fired. I had already decided that I was not happy there long before this week happened. I worked on my resignation letter but got lots of feedback about how going there to drop keys and letter off was not a good idea. So I started applying for new positions, while having every intention of resigning if they did not fire me on Tuesday anyways. So I go to work Tuesday morning and everything seems normal. Gave my manager papers from doctor and went to work on some information she needed for a report. I worked at my desk on grant stuff for close to two hours, when she finally asked me to come with her. I get to the conference room and it is me, my immediate manager, Executive Director and security guard. There is a termination letter on table, so I read through it and asked for a pen to sign it. The beginning of a speech was coming, so I interrupted and said that I understood, would go with manager to get my stuff and would be on my way.

Official reason for my termination:
~Lapse in Judgement - for coming to work against Dr. wishes which makes an unsafe situation for the clients and everyone else.
~ Breaking policy - because I didn't follow chain of command and was talking to a different manager about my fall and Dr. note. Funny thing is, that was the only manager in the building when it happened....but oh well.

I can honestly say that these last 20 hours, I have felt more peace than the whole time I was working there. The security guard had to walk me out and he was aware that I had been unsure about the job- so I told him that I had my resignation letter in purse and that obviously I just didn't need it. Also during all this, I decided that it may be time to take a break from social services anyways. I have worked in this field long before I was even an adult. My entire adult life has been devoted to working with people who had multiple barriers and abuse. It's time for my self care to include a job that's a little more uplifting for a while.

(Will be continued in Part 2)

Happy Mother's Day

"Mother carries the child in her womb for nine months and in her heart for the rest of her life".

These few words sum up the meaning and significance of the word Mother. Mother is undoubtedly the most beautiful and lovable word in any language. This goes to show the importance of mother in our lives. Mother stands for millions of things she gives to her children; it also stands for sacrifices pain, grief and sorrows which she has to undergo to keep her children happy and secure. No joy can match the joy of a mother looking at her child, those craving eyes-deeper than a whole ocean. The most important woman in an individual's life is her/his mother. Her presence affects us our entire life and she can't be replaced by anyone.

To my mother- You have been the best influence one could have. Even though we have gone through both rough times and good times, I have learned from everything that we have gone through. I haven't always been the easiest child, but I think that we both agree that I have turned out okay. I know that I wouldn't be the woman I am today without you. You have given me the push, the drive and the courage to do the things that I am doing. I will always be grateful for the support you have given me. I love you to death and always will. I am surprised that we are both doing so well now that I have officially gone out on my own.

To Maureen- Thank you for the support you have given me this past month. I think that I would have gone insane if I didn't have you to talk to. You have helped me stay focused while still allowing me to have fun. Your support means the world to me. I couldn't have asked for a better step-mother. I truly believe and feel everything that was written in your card. I love you and thank you again for all your help. At this point in my life, I am happy that I have you to help keep me grounded.

Dear _________,

I don't understand how you were able to hurt me so bad. I don't understand why I became so insane when I was around you. And the thing that boggles me even more, is that you weren't anything but a normal guy next door. When I fell in love with you, I fell hard. Way harder than I ever should have allowed myself. I think that I just trusted you too much. You promised me that you would never do anything to hurt me, but yet you managed to hurt me more than anyone I have ever dated.

When I started planning my move to Vegas, everyone said that I was running away. And hearing that was hard, because I knew that that was part of the reason I was coming here. But as the planning kept going, I got more excited about starting new. But I still hate that starting new was what I needed to do to escape you.

I saw your picture today and it made me cry. I finally was able to say to you what I have wanted to say forever, and trust me I will never forgive you for that. It's your fault that the one thing that could cause me pain by leaving Minnesota got to the point that it did. And the sad thing is that you don't even know what I am talking about. There were so many times that I just wanted to scream it at you to see if you even cared, but I don't think you would have.

I was sad on Valentine's Day, but then you called. Did I want to hang out? Of course I did, I was still in love with you. That night was a good night, and the beginning of me getting over you. When you said that it made you feel good to know that you affected me the way you did, was the moment that I realized just how selfish you really were.

I wasn't the only one that made the relationship move faster than we wanted, you played part in that too. We both discovered and did things that we have never done before and we both loved every minute of it. Was this the reason that you leaving was so hard, or was I really that in love with you? I don't know the answer. One thing I do know is that every other relationship I have ever been in, things went bad before it ended. We had one fight that you blew out of proportion and you were WAY to selfish to even consider what I was saying. I heard everything you said that night, but did you hear one thought that I had. I don't think so.

Yes, I still miss you and for some odd reason I still am in love with you. But you know what else, YES my move to Vegas was the right step for my life right now. I knew the struggles that I would experience would be here, but for some reason they are easier for me to jump over than you were. But again, the one thing that pains me the most I can not forgive you for. I hate that even when we are done, you can still continue to hurt me.

I am in love....

Yes, I am in love. I am in love my fendora hat. LOL.

It was the perfect start to a great night. Walking through Freemont Street last night, I was drawn to the hat kiosk which was about to close. I tried on a few and then found a pinstripe one...the girl at the booth found another pinstripe one that was just a little bit better which made it perfect. I had to buy it.

We decided to get a little daring last, with the help of a little liquid courage and went to a club that had some of the most beautiful people in Vegas. My hat made being in the club a little more comfortable for me....which is hard to explain. So what do you think, did I pull it off??

Michael and I have said that we were gonna hang out every Sunday, so I think the hat is gonna be my Sunday with Michael hat......

Innate Worth

At Tubman in Minneapolis, we used to present Innate Worth in our Domestic Violence Group. I have been thinking and looking up quite a bit about innate worth as I start facilitating the Healing Support Group at The Shade Tree this weekend. I wanted to share some of the information that I found and that I will use in the first group this weekend.

Introducing the Importance of Self -Worth

What is your personal currency? What do you feel you have to offer to the world at large, and is that offering given the value, validity and respect it deserves? Are you happy to be a girl? When you judge yourself as we all do, how do you measure up? Are you an equally treasured part of society? Are you predictable? Does being a girl or a woman ever make you feel compromised in any way? When you consider your worth as a woman, what comes to mind? A woman’s worth as the subject of inquiry may expose emotions and responses that surprise you.

Do you even consider your worth at all? Perhaps not in so many words, but the subject of worth, worthiness, value, and validity comes up for women time and again, and is manifested by behaviors and gender stereotypes that don’t serve us well.

Why is it important to understand your true worth, your inner value, your personal currency? I’m going to be bold and say that not only is it important to recognize your innate worth, it’s critical that you do. Your survival and sense of well-being virtually depends upon it. No matter when or where you embarked on your journey of discovery, remember to tell yourself how worth it you are, because my friend, you are the one who is in charge of establishing it, and you are the one who needs to endorse and project it.

What does self-worth mean to you? How do you define or assess it? Is there a general measurement of worth that holds true for everyone? Most probably, you’ve formed a conception of what self-worth and self-esteem means for you. Can you feel validated and valued? Will you grant yourself that level of respect?

When you recognize your innate worth, you are more inclined to strive to fulfill your potential, and having done that, you will be happy. Women who are successful exude a sense of confidence in themselves. They realize that they are the directors of their own destinies, and therefore take a positive stance as they look forward. They are happy people.

The first step in acknowledging and accessing your worth, value, and sense of fulfillment, is to take an honest personal assessment. An assessment of who you are and where you stand is vital to your ability to function freely in the world. By assessing and recognizing your abilities, you validate yourself, and you need to be able to do that before anyone else can validate you.

Without personal awareness of your abilities, goals and challenges, you might lose sight of your choices. Resist the urge to accept out-of-hand what society dictates, and you will experience an enormous sense of freedom. You do have options in life; you just need to be willing to use them.
In concrete ways, by owning your worth you honor women everywhere, and the trickle-down effect of your actions will ultimately reach every corner of the globe.

My "Vegas Has Gone Country" Weekend

So this past weekend was full of fun and there was so much to do since the Academy of Country Music Awards were being held in Vegas. It would be hard to put into words, everything that happened this weekend and just how much fun it really was. But I will try to give you a recap.

Saturday night- Miranda Lambert free concert on Freemont Street. I think the best thing about this concert was meeting Bobby 'Idaho'. We got along way too well- so it just seemed natural for us to spend the night at the concert drinking together. He said he wanted to get together Sunday night because he was leaving on Monday- but Sunday was my day with my brothers- so no Bobby 'Idaho' for me Sunday.


Professional Bull Riders World Cup- Saturday afternoon/evening. Team USA was a group of super hot guys in cowboy hats. Who wouldn't want to sit and watch them for a few hours?!?!

Front row for The Band Perry on Friday Night.....and I swear the Perry brothers were the cutest guys around on Friday night. The show was free and AMAZING!! The only people in front of me are those who have photographer passes.

Emily West free concert on Friday night- She played before The Band Perry. I had heard a song or two of hers before, but never knew who she was until this night. It was still light when we got there.

I wasn't quite as lucky for the Lady Antebellum concert on Friday night. This was the big kick-off of the weekend. Maureen and I did manage to find a garbage can to sit/stand on. I wasn't able to get a good picture because I was smart and was using my phone camera this night. There were tons of people by this point.

So the lessons I learned this weekend:
- almost all of the guys you meet downtown are tourists.

- FREEMONT STREET IS AMAZING and my new favorite place.

- alcohol is cheap in Vegas, especially if you buy it at the Freemont Street liquor store instead of the bar.

- and that you truly are missing out if you have never experienced the Freemont Street laser show.

So when you come to visit, just know we will spend at least one night doing the Freemont Street Experience.....

Michael and Josh Day

Yes, I have now sen Josh and Michael. I saw Michael first on Friday night. (I'll tell about full weekend later.) We had both just got home from a night out and started talking about going to IHOP for pancakes. So we ended up together. I picked him up and before he would get in the car, he made me get out for a hug...awwww.. So I picked him up for IHOP and we ended up just coming back to the house for him to see dad. We all watch The Box...which is a wierd movie.

On Sunday morning, I went to Josh and Michael's house to pick them up for breakfast. I was super nervous since it would be my first time seeing Josh in a really long time. I texted Michael while I was outside and he told me to just come in, so I saw his mom as well. She came to breakfast with us and we were able to catch up a bit. The boys and I decided that we were going to go to a movie, but what should we do until the movie time?

Josh and Michael came up with a plan for Josh to see his dad, so we came and chilled at the house until the movie. So twice this weekend, we went through family pictures, and even better pictures of them when they were really little. After our visit, we went and saw Death at a Funeral...which is hilarious.

After the movie, we got adventurous and went on the New York, New York rollercoaster. I am not a rollercoaster type person since I am scared to death of heights. But Michael insisted that Josh and I sit in the front row since it was both of our first times. Josh held my hand until we got to the top of the hill and we both had that 'Oh Shit' moment as we teetered and ended up going straight down.

After New York, New York we went to the other side of the strip and went to the Stratosphere. This is the tallest place in Vegas....and although I told them I wouldn't go on any of the rides, I did. We went on the Big Shot, which is a ride that takes you 912 feet above the strip and it overlooks all the downtown casinos. The view was awesome, but I seriously thought I was going to stop breathing a couple of times. Josh, Michael and I managed to get some pictures taken on top of the Stratosphere while we waited for our turn on the ride.

We were all DONE after that ride, even though I enjoyed that way more than the rollercoaster, but we did end up getting dinner at Roxie's. The burgers at this place were HUGE and YUMMY!!

I got to hang out with Michael again tonight. I met him and his friend at Panda Express for dinner and we all sat outside and hung out talking for a long time. We then decided to go play pool- which is the most fun I have ever had playing pool. Michael and I determined our 'night' together will be Sundays since we both have Monday off.

Healthcare in NV

Most of you already know, especially if you have been reading this blog, that I am someone who needs to have medical professionals in my life. I am learning that I did not plan for this area of my move to the point that I should have. In Minnesota, if you are without insurance, you can go to the county office and apply. Through my work in social services, I have only seen a denial once, due to county benefit fraud that person had committed. So I figured that coming to Neveda, I would wait the 30-days to become a 'resident' and then apply for medical assistance. I am not receiving insurance through the new job, but I figured everything would be fine. This is not so....but I will make it work.

Apparently it is extremely hard to get medical assistance. Neveda will give it to children, but not so much the adults. I have already experienced one horrible fibromyalgia flare up and yesterday was my first migraine since being here. It had not broken today and none of the medication I already had was helping. I knew that I needed to get medical intervention to break this pain. I looked up Minute clinics and went to one at CVS. After explaining my situation with two chronic illnesses and the move and no insurance- the nurse was empathetic and checked my vitals before going over every low-cost clinic in the area. I was able to find an Urgent Care for immediate treatment and also learned that the clinic provides primary care as well.

Because I don't have insurance, I had to pay a deposit of $70. It was a bonus to find out that by paying the deposit at the time of the visit, I then qualified for a 55% discount on all bills for the visit. They explained that I would maybe get a bill for $20-$50 more and as long as I pay within 90 days, the discount will be applied. Fifty-five percent is huge and within my budget. The doctor was willing to follow the treatment plan that I wanted and also gave me information to obtain a primary doctor.

In other news, today was my 2nd day of work. I will give you lots of updates on how that is going later this week or early next week. I have so many thoughts to write about because I can't help but to compare MN to NV.

Bocephus

Today, my thoughts are consumed with my brother Bocephus. I am filled with both anger and sadness at him. Most already know that he went missing in January while on his way back to his station in New York. During the few days that he was missing, he had considered committing suicide. On our side of things, we were trying to obtain access to his bak account, made a police report, was on the phone off and on with the Army. It was extremely scary and one of the hardest things that I think I have ever gone through. He ended up returning to Minnesota and we had to then get him to New York.

Once he returned to New York, they started him on anti-depressants and therapy, all while he still had to complete training and classes. During a training excercise he 'lost' it and ended up in the mental health center of the hospital. The Army declared that he was a danger to himself and others, which then made him ineligble to carry a weapon. Kind of hard to do your job in the Army with no weapon- so he continued therapy and they increased his medication.

Off and on since then, Bo and I have had many big and little conversations through Facebook chat. I haven't spoken to him in a while though. So this all leads me to today. Today I get a text message from him that reads "Would he die for me?" It turns out others received this text message as well since shortly following that text, I have a message from mom who is concerned about him. I did not call her back right away as I wasn't feeling well and laid back down. The next time I look at my phone, I have missed calls from Bo, mom and Bo's biological dad. The message from Bo was just music- which sounded like it was him playing and singing. It went on until the phone cut him off. It was so loud that I couldn't understand that song at all. The next message was Bo's dad asking me to call him and then message from mom wanting a call as well. I tried calling mom, but it was already midnight in MN- so I sent her a text message instead. I called Bo's dad, not caring what time it was, and spoke with him briefly. He was unable to get ahold of Bo but received the same messages as the rest of us. He even said that he answered when Bo called and it was still just the music.

So why am I sad and mad?? I am sad because I know that Bocephus is a tortured soul. I understand that he has severe depression and I understand that he is hurting. When you love someone as much as I love him, I hurt when he is hurting. This means I have been sad and hurting for him for a few months now. He promised me that he would not harm himself as he knows this would destroy many people. He told me not to worry about that anymore. I am mad because I have a lot going on in my own life that I can no longer handle this game or whatever he is doing. I really need to work on me and my life, so I can't keep handling everything that is going on with him. I have always been the one to worry about him, to defend him, to make the calls on his behalf- and I just can not do it anymore. He refuses to talk to anyone here at home, so what am I suppose to do. I did leave him a message that he better start using his phone to talk to someone before he no longer has a phone. I still pay his phone bill and he does not give me money or put anything towards this bill. At some point in his life, he is going to need to grow up and be a man. I honestly thought that he had when I watched him graduate from the Army, but I am starting to doubt that with the recent activities of his life. He told me he was no longer drinking, but if he is, then maybe our next step is to have him committed. Who knows?? But I know something needs to happen, because I can't keep letting his problems affect my life to the extent it always has.

Oh, how my family has grown in a month....

One of the things that has happened by moving to Vegas is re-connecting with family, which I have spoke about before. So as I sit here and break down my immediate family it has grown.

Parents
Darlene (mom)
Steve (step-dad)
Maureen (step-mom)
Dan (dad)

Brothers
Bocephus (through mom)
Joshua (through dad)
Michael (ex-step-brother by dad)
Patrick (step-brother by Maureen)
Joseph (step-brother by Maureen)

Sisters
Jayme (ex-step-sister by dad)
Lisa (step-sister by Maureen)

I will soon meet Joshua and Michael again after all these years. I am sure I will meet Lisa at some point as we have not yet met. Jayme and I are speaking with each other but it has been years since we've seen each other. We tried before I left but it didn't work out. I haven't seen Joseph in a really long time, but we had spent a summer together. I have not yet met Patrick, but we have spoken through facebook and text messages. And of course Bocephus- who is my life- will never be free from me. I try to talk to him on a regular basis and I worry about him tons, but he is off doing his thing with the Army. I wish him lots of happiness and hope that he remembers I love him everyday!!

What is Fibromyalgia?

As I sit and do my research on treatment options here in Vegas, I am sure that many of you are like, What is she taking about?? Well here is the basic information on the disorder that I deal with on a daily basis.

Fibromyalgia is a complex disease in which both genetics and environmental factors play a role. For a better understanding, here are some basic facts about Fibromyalgia and its symptoms:
Fibromyalgia afflicts eight to twelve million people in this country alone. It does not discriminate by gender or age, although it predominately affects women between the ages of 35 and 54. It has been found to be genetic, affecting children and the elderly, both male and female alike.
Fibromyalgia is a complex disease that involves multi-system disturbances and abnormalities. Because of this complexity, these conditions have been poorly treated by the current eight to fifteen minute visits that address only a portion of the wide spectrum of underlying dysfunctions.
Diagnosis is difficult. Currently there is no one medical test that will clearly diagnose Fibromyalgia. Diagnosis is based on patient history and tender point sensitivity. "Tender Points" refer to 18 points on the body in which extreme sensitivity may occur in at least 11. Tender point sensitivity, as well as a history of widespread chronic body pain for at least 3 months, provides the most definitive diagnosis at this time. Other symptoms relating to a diagnosis are listed below.

There is no one underlying cause of Fibromyalgia. Research is ongoing, but there is agreement that Fibromyalgia patients have an enhanced pain sensitivity and response originating from the central nervous system. Traumatic illness or injury may trigger the disease. Additional research is continuing to determine other factors that may lead to the development of Fibromyalgia including: genetics, environment, autoimmune dysfunction, nutritional deficiencies and connective tissue disease.

Frequency, degree and location of pain vary from day to day. Any given day a Fibromyalgia patient's level of discomfort may range from mild muscle stiffness to extreme, radiating pain so severe they feel completely debilitated and unable to carry out simple activities.

Most treatment is focused on managing the symptoms. The severity of Fibromyalgia varies from person to person and day to day, therefore, the treatment plan should be individualized. The patient, the physician and the FFC team must be focused, determined and dedicated to regaining control and manage the condition.

A well-rounded management program is important. This may include: nutritional counseling, conditioning, exercise programs and lifestyle changes. Alternative therapies such as acupressure and massage, stress management and relaxation techniques may be considered, and we would collaborate with other health care providers outside our Center for your treatment options.
Support from family and friends are critical. Understanding Fibromyalgia and having the emotional support of those closest to you can make a tremendous difference in your outcome.

Common symptoms of Fibromyalgia include:
Flu-like pain that can be severe and constant
A constant feeling of exhaustion
Specific tender points that hurt
Overall body aches
Depression
Muscle stiffness and pain
Insomnia or other sleep disorders
Extreme fatigue
Depression not caused by a trauma or event, but by chronic discomfort
Cognitive problems, often called "brain fog"
Reoccurring headaches
Multiple reoccurring infections
Irritable bowel syndrome

Courage

Courage, also known as bravery, fortitude, will, balls, and intrepidity, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, Death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement.

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

Do I have courage?? I didn't think so. I was told before the move by many people, and more importantly, many people who are important to me, that I had a ton of courage to actually make the move. Well I am finally starting to to believe them. It does take courage to change your entire life. This change is great, I feel great about it, which is most important. I had explained that one reason for the move was my health with dealing with the Fibromylagia. I am in the middle of my first flare up since being in Vegas. I knew it was coming, I started having a lot of pain before Angie even left, but since she knows how stubborn I am, I was trying to not show her how much pain. I am to the point that walking and moving is difficult. But even with this, it is going way better than how it went at home. My pain is much more controlled. I think it must take courage to deal with this type of illness as well. But with that being said, it is time to lay back down and relax.

Settling In

I am now all alone in this big shiny city. Angie went home this evening. I knew it would be weird once I was here alone. And I am not really alone- I have my dad and Maureen- but no one my age. I have not yet seen Michael or Josh. I am trying to connect with their mom in order to make everything a smooth transition. Michael was gonna give her my number tonight so that she can make a move.

Today was my first hard day, besides Angie going home, I talked to my mom, Steve and Allan. I found out from my mom that Josh was asking about me. I don't really know how I feel about that. He wouldn't give me enough respect before I left to talk to me so why does it matter how I am doing now. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder. Speaking of that, I miss Allan a ton. I can not wait for him to come visit, but I know it will be a while before that happens.

I start working on Monday, and I am excited to start meeting people. It's hard being somewhere when you know no one. But this is what I wanted. I wanted away from everyone and everything, so I need make the best out of the situation, even on the bad days. This was still the right thing for me to do.

New Today.....

So of course, as soon as I write about The Shade Tree not calling me, I get the call. Nicole called and said, "We would like to move forward with you!" These were the best words I have heard since I have been to Vegas.

This morning I got up and everyone was still sleeping, so I left the house by myself, for almost the first time in a week and a half. I was in search for the Southern Nevada Housing and Redevelopment Authority to turn in a job application. This application took a few hours to complete and the job pays way more than the one I got- but I think I will stick with The Shade Tree. It's what I know and I know that I am good at it.

The stars were just taking time to align today. I text messages an old co-worker, Melissa, about putting her as a reference on applications. We went back and fourth and I said something about needing a job- wouldn't you know it was within 5 minutes that the call came.

Angie and I spent the rest of the day going to The Shade Tree to fill out paperwork for a background check and then getting my drug test done. I start the job on Monday and will work days for the first two weeks before moving to 2nd shift. I have never really worked a 2nd shift, but having the days free in a place that is so beautiful will be nice.

The Strip.......and other news......

Angie and I went down to the strip for the second time tonight. It is no longer the strip that I remember. I remember it being separate hotels and casinos where you could walk from one to the other on the sidewalk. Now these once empty spaces are filled with walkways, fast food joints, restaurants and shops ranging from the neighborhood drugstore to things such as Tiffany's. There are no open spaces between the casinos. They all kind of run into one another. One thing that is the same is the advertisement that the casino and hotels do...basically they are everywhere. Advertisement from who their celebrity guest is, to the fabulous new show to the deals of the day.

In other news, I still have not heard back from The Shade Tree, which to me means I did not get the job there. Although I am a little disappointed, I am not going to let that stop me. I spent a few hours working on an application for the Southern Nevada Housing Authority. The position is an Occupancy Specialist- basically a person who determines the rent subsidy for a person. I have had my hand in this in small ways within the last few years through the work that I do so maybe this could be my next job.

Angie goes home on Wednesday evening, which will be weird for me since all of my time in Vegas has basically been spent with her. I am usually not one to have a lot of close girl friends. The few that I have, have been around for a long time. I think that Angie and I get along as well as we do because we are so much alike. Usually that would cause a strain on a friendship, but I think that is what has made ours. I 'get' her and I think she 'gets' me. I am excited about the possibility of her actually moving here and us getting a house together. We managed to stay with each other through a 3 day drive followed by a week and half of each other without wanting to kill each other.

Updates

I don't have a whole lot to update you on right now. I did not hear back from The Shade Tree on Friday like I expected. I called and left a message, but still did not hear back from anyone. Some have said not to read into that too much right now, since it's a holiday weekend. I really want to work at The Shade Tree- but it may be just because that's what I know the best and I am good at working with women and children. At the same time, I was starting to feel burnt out in Minnesota and I am not sure if that feeling would continue here. My other job choice would be to serve in a local bar for a while just because I know that I could make good money doing so. All the bars, stores and casinos are open 24 hours here but I would want to work 2nd shift hours in order to make the most money. Before the end of the week, I am planning on going to some of the local establishments to see if they are hiring.

One thing that is very different here than in Minnesota, is the cards you need. There is a Sheriff's Card, TAMS Card and Health Card which are needed for any job that involved gambling and alcohol. Almost everything here involves both. The corner gas station has machines in it, serves food and sells alcohol- so for even that type of job the cards are needed. A person is able to get a voucher to pay for the cards, but you need a letter of intent to hire to obtain the vouchers. I am awaiting a check from work, so once I receive it I may just go take the classes and pay for the cards myself. I feel that I would be more employable if I already have them instead of making somewhere wait while I obtain the cards.

Angie is still here until this Wednesday so we still have a few things to go see and do. We went to the Texas Station on Friday night to gamble. Texas Station is a neighborhood casino. Neither of us won anything big but we didn't walk out completely broke either. On Saturday, we went to the Women's Expo that was held at the Red Rock Casino. This casino was beautiful inside and out. At the Expo I had a Spine Analysis done. The doctor and I talked in depth about my Fibromyalgia and migraines. He did a test on me and was able to show me the results on the computer. He wanted me to make an appointment while we were there, but I told him I wanted to hold off until I found employment. Before we left the Red Rock Casino, we went and gambled a little. That casino is definitely higher class than the others I have been to. Today, we are laying low and relaxing. There is a possibility that it may rain, but that doesn't mean that it has cooled down at all.

Hopefully I will have some great news to tell you about a job before the end of the week.......

The Shade Tree

Today I had my meeting/interview with The Shade Tree. I sent a letter and resume to them in January expressing interest in working for their agency once I moved to Vegas. I completed a phone interview with them about a month ago at which time they stated they didn't have any open positions, but that they couldn't pass up talking with me due to my background and experience in the field. Shortly before my move date, I received another call from them saying that a position in Victim Advocacy had opened up- at which time we set up the meeting for today.

I should know by the end of tomorrow whether I get the position or not. I feel like things went well during the meeting. They asked a few clarifying questions that we had not yet discussed. But the bad thing is that I had no questions for them. Their HR staff took me on a tour of the building and explained different parts of the shelter and programming, as well as a few special grants they had received. I had no questions for two reasons- one being that she explained things really well and the second reason is that their programming to a point mirrors that which I worked with at Tubman so I knew what she was talking about.

This agency would be the perfect position for me in the social service field. The position is only 30 hours at this time, working Tuesday to Saturday from 4-10 pm. I haven't worked a second shift position since college so that would be a change, but considering that I am living in the town that never sleeps it really doesn't matter what hours I work. When they took me on the tour of the building, they spoke as if I already had the position by saying things like this is where you would work and this is who your supervisor would be, but then at the end as I was being walked out she mentioned that there were some other applicants and they would be calling people tomorrow. So I am anxiously awaiting to hear from them. Cross your fingers for me because I want to work there more than anywhere else that I have applied. No other agency has such a similar mission as Tubman- which I truly believed in.

What did I do......

Angie decided that she wanted to find a piercing shop and guess what, there was one down the street from my house. When we walked in we saw the hottest guy in all of Vegas. Okay, maybe he wasn't the hottest guy in Vegas, but he was damn cute. Angie filled out her forms and when talking to the piercer- who was covered head to toe in tattoos and piercings- she asked about a two for one deal. He was willing to do a piercing on each of us for cheaper price than a single piercing so I GOT ANOTHER PIERCING. (See picture below.)



So Danci now has three piercings other than my ears. It is currently still in the healing stages, so some days it is swollen and other days it is fine. I haven't quite learned how to eat without pulling on it a bit- which has caused one extremely painful night. Once the swelling is completely gone, I am suppose to go back to the shop to get a shorter post put in. They pierce them with a longer one so that there is room for it to swell without causing issues or trauma to the face.

Angie's swelled up a bit, so we went back to the shop last night, and as he was putting a new post in hers I couldn't watch so I instead stared at him the whole time. He is a very small guy, but even with all of the tattoos and piercings he is really cute and has the smoothest skin I have ever seen. I am looking forward to going back to get mine changed out.

My New Home

Living Room

Dining Area

Kitchen

Dad's Work Space

Bedroom

Closet

Bathroom

Bathtub :)

Fireplace in living room

State Lines

Here are all out state line pictures.... lots of people honked everytime they drove by... but only one other car stopped.

Day 3

We managed to wake up at a decent time yesterday and we finally arrived in Vegas at about 7pm. The drive from the hotel to the house was pretty uneventful. We went through mountains, valleys, more mountains, etc. There were these rest stops that were labeled View Areas which we stopped at. We took tons of pictures at these spots as the views were breathtaking.

I will post pictures soon. My computer runs on wireless and the internet here at the house is cable, so our first endeavor today is to get a wireless router. After we run some needed errands, Angie and I are going out to the casinos that are near Whiskey Pete's. My dad used to work at Whiskey Pete's and I remember there being a roller coaster across the freeway.

More information and pictures to come once my computer is up at running.

Day 2 ....

We are again stopped at a hotel for the night. This morning the plan was to be up at 7am to get on the road again...well that didn't exactly happen. We had three different alarms set and apparently I had an early morning phone call with mom- but we didn't wake up until around 11:30am. Considering that we had snuck the cat in, we then had to figure out how to sneak him out with only 1 other car in the parking lot. The hotel we are at tonight made it much easier to sneak him in since we could park right in front of the door. When we first got here we threw him in the bath tub as the bathroom ideas we have tried are not working- and he seems to make sure to pee off of the mat instead of on it. Angie spent a lot of time cleaning out the kennel as I was having some problems. At this moment, Kujo is a happy cat (after being super pissed at us for throwing him in bathtub of water) and he is sitting next to me on the bed grooming himself.





Th only highlight worth talking about today was the Colorado mountains. All I can say is AMAZING!!!











Other highlights from the day can be seen below. These pictures represent: road signs we passed in cities in which we had fun or saw something cool; the tunnels that go through the mountains (there are alot of them); places we have stopped at along the way today.